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PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME!
I have never posted stuff like this ( like I’m about to ) on the internet…I just need to get it out there. What the actual fuck did I do…

Why did I think it was okay? How did I justify doing that. How did I of all people do that. I NEVER thought I would do something so bad… I’m so unbelievably sorry. You of all people did not deserve that. Only scummy horrible people do that kind of shit. That isn’t who I thought I was, not now, not when I was younger and wanted to grow up. You always hear about people do it, and having it happen to them. But not me. I wasn’t going to be a part of that kind of life. But now I am. And I can’t go back. I can’t take it back…… I wish I could tell you. Or anyone. But I can’t. It’s just too bad.. So bad. The worst part about it was that it actually meant something..it wasn’t random. I did it for a reason. I’m sorry for you. I’m sorry for myself. This changes everything. And I can’t stop it. Its too late. It already happened. I feel so numb just thinking about it. And what do I do? I just take more. More than I need. More than being “irresponsible in a responsible way” requires. What if I die? Would that be okay? Okay, to die with this secret? Okay to not fix it? To just move on knowing what I know and to never enlighten anybody about it?

It’s been three years. Three years of hurt and questions and knowing… The worst part is that I said yes.

Knowing what I know about my self and saying yes anyways. Saying yes to everything. To you. To him. To her. To it. To them. To them all.

And even worse….I still want more. I want it again. And again. And again. I don’t want to want it. It leaves scars. Not physical. Emotional. I have too many emotional scars. People don’t know. And I don’t tell them. Because I don’t want to steal or compete for the spotlight. I don’t want it at all, the spotlight.
I hate being analyzed. I wish I had someone to tell. Someone to yell at. To be mad at and scream at and love and give myself to. …but I know me. I’ll never have that. I won’t let myself. And I don’t deserve to die because of that, I deserve it because I won’t get help for it. I’ll just continue to silently hurt others without fixing it. I want help. I want it so bad. But I don’t want to ask for it. I don’t want it. I don’t want help. I just want to wake up and be better. I take as much as I need to get by day to day. And no one knows. They don’t know.

Friends. The most beautiful, outgoing, strong, inspiring people I know. The five of you. You are keeping me alive..and you don’t even know it.

Alive emotionally: You give me hope for another day
Alive physically: It’s been a month
Alive verbally: You make it so easy to hide

I wish I could hide behind you all for the rest of my life, however long that turns out to be. But eventually you will leave me. Not on purpose. You all have to move on. I understand. And for when that day comes, I wish you the best of luck.

To her, You will never leave me. I know it. We made plans, so I know you would never. You need me as much as I need you. People think we’re too close. Closer than friends should be. But we know it’s not like that. I don’t have a sister. But if I did it would be you. Then no matter what, I know I’d always see you. I love you so much. Sometimes you’re all I need. Everyday. You’re all I need. Thank you. So much. I could never make it up to you. And I never will. I’ll spend my life thanking you though. Everyday. I’ll let you know how much you saved me. And you won’t even know. I promise.

To him, Hmmm, well you started this little rant here. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I knew I shouldn’t have said yes. I’m glad I did tho, you gave me what I needed. ……oh my god…… I used you. …I DIDN’T MEAN TO! IM SO SORRY! Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! Fuck you……. No. Fuck me. It’s me. It was always me. The whole time. I wish you knew. I wish that you’ll know when I tell you. But I know you won’t.

To the two of you,
You’re like two in the same ;) You two are like me and her. I know you’ll be together forever. I love you both. Don’t ever change who you are please? For me. Just don’t.

To them,
You are like yin and yang. My light and my darkness. My life and my death. The reason I believe and the reason I lie. But I still love you both. You call my name. “Lauren” and it means the same thing to both of you. And it’s nice to know. All you want is for me to be successful. That’s all I want too. Hopefully in two years we can celebrate it. Thats how I can make everything up to you. I know it.

And to the other two of you,
You’re both not in the same “group” as me. You’re not even real friends yourselves. But you have two things in common. You both love me. And I love both of you. I don’t think I’ve ever hurt either of you. Ever. But I still feel the need to apologize. So I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ditching you two for her. And the two of them. You still mean just as much. You still help me. And you’re both there when I need you. So I’m sorry, and thank you.

To everyone else…….I wish you knew. I wish I could tell you all. I wish I could scream it down on you all. Those of you who care. Those of you who don’t. Who do and don’t know me. I wish you all could know how I really am. But without me telling you..

It took a year and a half to tell her I was hurting my self. It took another year to tell the both of them. The two of them still don’t know. And They don’t even know yet. I might tell them soon though. I mean, I know that yang won’t understand. But yin will, he understands ever thing…you know what..

To yin,
You and her. Not related. Only know each other because of me. But you two. You’re both my light. I love you yin. So much. The day you die. I will change forever. I don’t know how yet, but I will. I wonder of I’ll cry? I cry just thinking about it almost everyday. But when the day comes….I might just, decide to forget. For get the bad. Forget you’re gone. And just, carry on. As of nothing happened. Because the day you die. Is the day I die. Inside. Maybe outside. I don’t know yet…I figure I still have 30 years or so. If you stop secretly turning to those poison sticks, we might have a longer life together.

I write this because I’m overflowing. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have plans to meet her, and one of them, and one of the both of them tonight at 7 o’clock. We’re celebrating my birthday. Ha, it’s funny. It’s the day I was brought into this world. The world I don’t want to live in. It’s sad how those of us who want to, can’t leave. I mean, we CAN leave..if we really want to. But those people who decide to leave, can never come back. Even of they want to. Or if they regret it.

To myself,
You’ve come so fare. Little you..little you would understand. Even as a kid, you are brave, and smart. You solved puzzles. You were curious. You wanted to help people. When people asked “what do you wan’t to be when you grow up?” yin told you that you ALWAYS said “I want to be a helper” That’s all you really ever wanted out of your life. To help, to help people. And you are. Right now you’re helping her. And that’s a hard job. But by helping her, you started to become friends with her. And love her. If you decide to make a loving out of helping, you can’t resort to loving every person to help them. That’s too much love for others. And not enough for yourself. ……like now. You don’t love yourself. You don’t love me? Why don’t you love me Lauren? Why? What did I do. What did I do to you? You me, myself, and I. You/I, we did nothing wrong. I promise. We’ve made mistakes. But nothing that can’t be fixed.

But it can’t be fixed. It won’t be. I don’t want it to. Because after its fixed, I won’t be said anymore.. But I still won’t be happy either. And if not happy, nor sad. Then what are you? A soulless body. Nothing inside. But bones and blood.

Blood….there’s to much blood. Too much to clean up. Too much to stop. What of I just lay here? And I don’t clean up the blood? Will people notice I’m gone? People have notice the scars. “dining room table” “bike accident” “my car got a hold of my arm”. You give a slight chuckle. And I funny story or two. And they believe you. So you send them on their way. Every.single.time. You never tell the truth. You never stop them, look them in the eye, and say “help” or “no”. You just..move on.

Mom* Dad* Kendall* Aidan* Claire* Ben… Ashley* Hailey* The Scars* The tears*

To the pills,
You really helped me today. I think I’ll keep you around. So…Welcome to the fucked faced family!! You’ll fit right in. I promise. Thanks I guess. You help I suppose. I wish you weren’t bad…or banned. But hey, eventually everything is bad.

Am I depressed? No. I don’t think so. I was before. But I think I might’ve over it. Now I’m just, here. I’m not anything. Not depressed. Not happy. Not sad. Or content. I’m just here. I think I’ll stay for a little while longer. Only for her though. And yin. They need me I think…and I cat be that selfish. I’m selfish enough just writing this note.

My name is Lauren. I’m a straight 16 year old girl. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love, or even be able to. But right now…I just need to figure out how to love myself.